She fell face first into her ex boyfriend’s wedding cake.
The snickering started and Isabelle wondered how long it would take her to fulfil her favorite Eddie Izzard sketch, “Death by cake it shall be!”
Hands grabbed at her, but her mouth was too full of cake to protest. Also, it was delicious. Chocolate mint with almonds. Derek’s favorite.
He was still painfully beautiful. And now even more so, with his ridiculous ascot and his curls slicked back into a facsimile of submission. In another life, that would have been her in a wedding dress, and not the woman with blue eyes shining with tears, and a mouth twisted with silent rage. Isabelle couldn’t blame tiny blond bride; she too would have been furious if she was tiny bride’s size 5 shoes.
Isabelle felt huge and cumbersome as she waddled out of the huge cake and jumped off the table. It used to be a massive sprawling castle but now it was in ruins. Like a real castle! She thought to herself. She felt something stab her breast, and sure enough, it was the tiny cutout of the groom.
“Not the first time I’ve been there.” He spoke through his teeth. She hated that about him, trying to inject humor when he was upset. He was rarely ever funny, though. “There are easier ways to get cake, you know!”
Tiny bride was in tears. Now she knew exactly who Isabelle was. And Derek was making jokes about her breasts. The guests guffawed. The two women were polar opposites, Derek’s bride was slender and dwarfed by the towering cake, her gentle curves exaggerated by the white mermaid-cut dress. Isabelle stood nearly a whole foot taller than the cake, her skin darker than the chocolate inside, and her slim fitting pants and sturdy work shirt that was open at the throat.
The cake squelched in her practical work shoes as she dragged her sorry ass under the table, conscious of the leering stares, and removed a small device and held it aloft while searching tiny bride’s eyes for understanding.
“I didn’t know who the target was. But someone planted this, Derek. Someone knows how much you love chocolate- “she choked at the insinuation “- and marzipan. Someone wants you dead. You and your wife will have to come with me.”
Derek’s face went red. His eyes opened wide and his hands trembled before he tightened them into fists. Ahhhh, she thought, true emotion. And all it took was ruining his wedding reception.
“What does marzipan have to do with anything?”
“I told you Derek, when I was studying to be a detective. I TOLD you that commercial grade explosives smell like marzipan. I was tracking the phone that was supposed to set it off. That’s how come I ended up on the roof of the country house. I was supposed to scope it out, but I slipped on the roof and fell through, right into your cake!”
“Oh my God! Yes! Are you hurt?” He started to poke at her to see if anything was broken, adding to her seemingly unending shame.
Tiny blond finally opened her mouth to shriek, “YOU! You are his Isabelle? This bi-!” Her comments were interrupted by a slap across her face. The slapper was Derek’s mother.
“NONE OF US LIKED YOU AS MUCH AS WE LIKED HER! WE WANTED HIM TO MARRY THAT BITCH THAT SAVED YOUR GODDAMNED HUSBAND’S LIFE!”
Unfortunately, the floor didn’t open up to swallow Isabelle. The mutual parting when she graduated from the police academy was not as seamless as she had thought it was. But that was three years ago. Isabelle did not notice the sirens until it was turned off.
Bomb squad ran up to her and took the device from her hand and started deconstructing the cake. Tiny blond was as devastated and as embarrassed as Isabelle looked. She noted the CSU and rest of the Bomb Squad run into the reception hall. And her Captain strode into the hall, eyes and mouth widening with recognition.
“Izzy… wasn’t it HERE you two were going to get married?” Captain Tactless asked.
And no lightning bolt from heaven struck her down. Who said God was merciful? “Well, now that I have made it weird, I’m going to make my exit!” and ran out of the hall, leaving wedding cake shoe prints on the beautiful marble flooring.
